Paralyzed and aching for escape, I drop to the floor. My senses are held hostage by one pursuit: the need to breathe. My mind is being capsized by thoughts of pain, fear and utter dread that lead to an insurmountable knowing that death is imminent. Weakened and alone, with my knees burning into the carpet, my breathing is in a rapidly losing battle. A deep satisfying breath is an elusive wish even though just one, good, deep inhalation will end the conflict. In the onslaught of a panic attack, you are enslaved by your thoughts. It’s as if you are severed from the ability to breathe and something beguiling and crude is your master. It mocks you with breaths that leave you void and powerless. You are not you and your choice to breathe is stolen.
When panic strikes, hope is as elusive as the air.
This description is ominous, dramatic even but yet all those who suffer are not unstable wanderers or babbling fools. They are rational, capable beings ultimately trying to go beyond themselves or find themselves feeling the consequence of a difficult decision as all of us sometimes do. Panic attacks you mercilessly to weaken you when you are in most need of strength. It means to own you, imprison you.
Why is breath so elusive when this panic attacks? Why can’t the thing we do 26,000 times a day subconsciously not be something we can do in a moment of weakness? Seems a simple fix; just breathe.
I think the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy, an enemy who roams the earth to see whom he may devour is a strategist, chemist, and scientist who is constantly devising ways to subdue you. Just when you overcome one thing, your enemy is forging a new weapon forcing you to counter attack. One thing that trouble, trial and tribulation have taught me is that I am remarkable. I must have something so irresistible and transformational that it is dangerous to my enemy. What makes me most threatening to my foe is my ability to think. When I get a truth, when I discover a nugget of revelation, I become a missile to the kingdom of darkness. I am unstoppable because when I think differently, I am different.
What makes me most threatening to my foe is my ability to think.
One awe-inspiring truth that I have been given as of late is truly the greatest revelation I have received. It possess within its syllables remarkable potential to subdue nations. Every stroke of its syntax and verbiage is debilitating to my enemy. I have said it every day since I knew it, since it was placed delicately in the center of me. Sickness and doubt have tried to rob it from my knowing but I still know it to be true.
“I have resurrection life in me.”
You can say it however you want: “The same power that conquered the grave lives in me.” “I and the spirit are one.” “Christ in me, the hope of Glory.”
But, the word “resurrection” startles me and awakens me from a slumber of mediocrity, shame and complacency. It jolts me upright and I breathe. I inhale a dose of extravagant love that leaves me spellbound.
Resurrection power lives within me.
What breath can awaken a dead body? What breath created Adam? What breath is the first tasted by a newborn? God breath. When we have no breath, we have no life. When Jesus arose, he breathed. Jesus inhaled God. He literally sucked in life that resurrected his mortal body. The breath awakened his senses, organs, bones, muscle, nerves, ligaments, joints, vessels, veins, brain matter, blood. Resurrection life flowed through Him with ONE breath. One, simple, deep breath changed history. It conquered death and sent its captive fleeing.
Every day I have been professing this truth, this beautiful, sacred, holy truth and in exchange I have been given such joy. I cannot explain the utter peace and certainty I have come to embrace. I relish life and enjoy each present moment. I have said “I love you” multiple times a day to my husband. I have embraced exercise and eating right with wild enjoyment. I have found negativity to be a distant memory and I actively look for good in every moment. I am not missing anything. A bowl of oatmeal or a lick on the cheek from my canine friend is a moment of sheer ecstasy. I feel like I have a new lease on life and have been dramatically healed. I have been healed of my negativity. It was a disease that was taking small parts of me daily and leaving me hopeless and alone.
“I have resurrection life in me.”
This life pulsing through me is given in a new measure each time I breathe. It courses through me the same way it revived Jesus three days later. I receive a new measure of ultimate life each time I breathe. I breathe out the old in the exhale and consume the new with each inhale. On a long run or when panic tries to attack, I know resurrection life lives in me. That certainty ends the conflict and I breathe.
I receive a new measure of ultimate life each time I breathe.
The enemy created panic attacks because he knows the power of breath. He knows that each time we breathe we become invincible. If we truly know that each time we receive breath from heaven, we are acquiring a limitless power that makes us devastating to darkness. I told negativity it had no place in me or power over me the moment I chose to say “I have resurrection life in me.”
A wonderful, wise friend shared with me Rob Bell’s short called “Breathe” recently. I watched it and wept. Not because it was especially sad or gut-wrenching. I wept because the revelation of “resurrection life in me” is becoming more real and humbling. You must watch this video. Purchase the $1.99 version and consider the phrase “Revelation life…..IN ME.” Consider the gift of God’s breath in you. Consider its power and beauty. When you truly receive breath that literally conquered death, you become acutely aware of a stunning “YHVH” that made his name breath. A creator who in all his majesty chose me.
I am beginning to realize that I am filled with God himself. Dangerous thinking.
I laid prostrate before my Father today. I stretched out and asked God to breathe on me. I wanted all of my stupid sickness and fears and doubts and worries to be absorbed in His breath. Everything I need in this life can be received with a breath. I want ALL of HIM.
Everything I need in this life can be received with a breath.
YAHWEH: I love you. I know that your name is so sacred and so powerful that consonants and vowels cannot be formed to even utter such a name. The spirit of God who I call “Abba” has a name that cannot even be spoken. Yet, this same spirit who created the heavens and the earth. This same spirit who conquered death. This same spirit who defies time and reason has chosen to give me all of Himself and has made it as easy as breathing.
My only response is complete surrender. My life for your resurrection life. I love you, Abba Father.