I have had a dream for a very long time. I think it was given to me as a baby but revealed at 18 (in detail). I wrote it down. I added scripture to it to make it legit and knew that one day I would live it. I called it Revelation Productions. I wanted to produce God and art. I wanted all media formats especially theater and film to tell God’s redemptive story. Not a lot of it was happening in 2001. “Little House on the Prairie” and “Touched by an Angel” were popular but what I wanted was the nitty gritty of life coupled with the God reality of life in Christ. This idea has certainly evolved and my passion for it has intensified to unbearable proportions. My desire to make this happen is keeping me awake at night while the reality is I have no resources, money or professional experience in production.
Grad school and every job thereafter, all 7 of them, have been for one purpose: to get closer to this dream of “God and art”. I tell people about it and no one gets it. I don’t get it. How can this be monetized into a living and should it be a revenue stream for my family? Shouldn’t I just be responsible and get a 9 to 5 and stop whining. But, every time I pray or open my Bible or attempt to ask God, He turns up the heat on my passion. I am exhausted, lost and ready to just go be a realtor or join the army. Not kidding. Highly considered both. So lost.
So many options for employment and businesses have come my way. Words that I am “great” have even come from close friends. What does that mean? How does God define greatness?
I know I am not alone. I don’t know who reads this but I know there is someone out there who is aching to live a real life that is their choosing and not what their mortgage or car payment or doctor bill says they must have in order to pay the bills. I don’t want to waste this connection I have with God and his desire to make art. My toughest question for God right now is “why would you give me this passion and not give me the secret to make it happen?”
What am I doing wrong?
So, I turn to what I know. Promises in the scripture that apply to my issue. I made a detour to one of my current self-help books and these words began the chapter. The author encouraged me to declare these words over my life, “I declare that I have a sound mind filled with good thoughts, not thoughts of defeat. By faith, I am well able. I am anointed. I am equipped. I am empowered. My thoughts are guided by God’s word everyday. No obstacle can defeat me, because my mind is programmed for victory.”
The same passion that created this desire for my destiny comes from the creator who crafted those words in scripture. All those promises in the Bible are the antithesis of my reality. They are so foreign to my state of mind. Right now, I am closer to depression, fear and loneliness as opposed to joy, peace and love. How do I reconcile my state of mind with God’s reality. His way of done for my way of doing, striving, toiling. How do I find this destiny? Can it be found?
God must program my mind for victory. A mind that is renewed to a reality that may not be seen yet but known. A deep believing that cannot be swayed or easily defeated. It must be crafted in me and then the belief (when I least expect it or even realize it) becomes my reality.
So, I return to my labor to enter His rest. My labor is spending time with him, listening to His words in song, reading scripture, closing my eyes and meditating on His goodness and simply being a daughter. Somehow, that intimacy will change me and my life. I don’t know how. That’s God’s job.