I was mean to God today. I knew I was being mean and I said it anyway. It made me feel better to just let him have it.
The main times I feel God are when I am driving and when I am at church. I think it is really the only time that I am still and quiet enough to pay attention to God. I wonder what he does while I am bustling about getting my “to do” list done? Does he smile at me or wish I would just stop?
These times when I am quiet I ALWAYS feel this need, this drive, maybe even a desperation, for a chance to express more of God. I get this massive desire for a platform to share God. It’s a tug I have felt my whole life, a yearning for ministry. I don’t talk about it but this blog has always been a want to get more God out there. EVERY TIME I am in God’s presence I feel this ache. So I got mad at God today. I told him, “why do you put this desire in me if you are never going to do anything about it.” I knew my tone was way wrong but I said more: “Why give me the desire if nothing ever changes? The desire will never turn into anything.” God listened. He shouldn’t have had to listen but he did because he loves me. I think he finds me endearing when I yell. I am not sure if that makes me more mad or not. I left it alone and went and picked up my kid from daycare, went and worked out, ate dinner, etc. Forgot about yelling at God. Didn’t think about apologizing.
So a few hours ago I am rocking my son to sleep. I start to feel God again. Not sure I deserved his presence after the bashing I gave him. I spoke as he spoke. I felt God speak over me. A prophecy, an answer to my tantrum. I DID NOT deserve his voice, his touch or his gaze but he offered it to me. I breathed him in and my frustration and anger became vapor. Incense before him. Sweet fragrance of his forgiveness and love washed me clean and I knew that God loved my imperfection. He found me mesmerizing and I forgot my anger. My son fell asleep in my arms as I learned my worth.
I wasn’t mad at God when I yelled at him. I was mad at myself. Mad that I never got it right all those times I tried to make myself or attach myself to ministry. I have failed so many times that I had lost my understanding of what ministry is all about. Until a few hours ago, I thought I was why I had not gone into ministry. I was thinking that if I gave more of my money or had seen more miracles in my life that I would be more qualified. The failure was telling me my identity not the blood of Jesus. As I rocked my son to sleep, God spoke. His volume and dynamic eliminated any doubt. As soon as my ears heard what my mouth said I was changed. I knew I could not think the old way.
He told me that he does not see me. He sees the blood. He does not see how my tithe is non-existent or how I always yell and cuss when I get angry. He does not see my failings that make me feel disqualified for ministry. He sees the blood. The blood secures and qualifies. It was as if my doubts vanished. I could not think of an idea to get God to bless me with ministry. All I could say was “give me more of you.”
What do you need to do to make your wildest dream come true?
Breathe. Breathe out the shame, breathe in his name. Breathe out the guilt, breathe in and kneel. He loves my weakness. He doesn’t need my perfection, obedience or brilliant idea. He just needs me willing to surrender.
Breathing in for actors is called “receiving the breath”. Receive an influx of air to take you further physically and mentally into the mind of the character. Same with God. Receive His breath and exhale the stale air that kept you thinking you had to do something to move God.
I will not speak until I hear your voice first. I will not step until I see your footprint. I will not reach because I do not have to. You make me to rise on the wings of eagles.