Whew! Ok. This one is hard to write. This entry will be a confession, almost. I don’t really believe in confession being necessary to attain a higher place with God or do I think it needs to be a long drawn out process with weeping and gnashing of teeth. However, we have to admit our wrong before we can see who is right, Who is Truth in us.
I have been a person who has lived my life for titles. Yep. I loved the fact that when people asked me what I did, I told them my title. I am a Drama Director, I am the Children’s Program Director, I am the On-Camera Talent Director. Man, I loved it. Loved that “director” word in the title too. Meant I was in charge of something. I had importance and identity. When I left one title, I went and found another. It was kind of my crack, my addiction. It gave me purpose.
Well, I am now no longer any of those titles. I am just Brittany. People ask me what I am doing now and I say “whatever God wants me to.” Now, I am not saying this with pride or even faith. I am saying it with complete confusion and fear. I have no idea what I am doing with my life now because I have no title that is telling me. I only have Jesus-the author and finisher of my faith.
You can say, “Wow, Britt, seems to me you have quit a lot of jobs and started new one’s.” And-I would say, “You are right!” Which is why I am now saying, “Whatever God wants me to do” because me trying to find it has not worked. You give me a task and if I have any passion about it whatsoever, I will do it. But, that may not be what God wants me to do. I did a stupid thing 3 months ago. I started praying that my life be by the spirit and not by might or power. Be careful what you say. I feel like my agenda for my life and my lust for titles has been removed from me and now I am left with a path of darkness. I used to see so much in front of me and now I see just enough light for where I am now. How can I trust if that is all the light I am getting for my life. Then I started saying, “Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” Man, then my agenda really didn’t matter. It went dark fast and now I have no idea who I was or why I was working so hard to be that title.
Here is what I know now-nothing. Nothing but the love of Jesus. He is more important than any title, power, or amount of money. He transcends my circumstance and my need to please people. He is all in all and my life is by His spirit and not by my might. I glory in the reality that the light lives in me and His voice, His word is what gives me purpose.
I know what I have done and I am willing to live it. I spoke His promises and now I am living their reality outside of myself. The person of Christ, my relationship with Him is all that matters. My new title is: Child of the Living God. That is my identity and my purpose. Stepping out of the boat and onto the water.